I know I owe no explanation or disclaimer to anyone. But because the comments and messages I get get out of control, I need to add this section for myself.
1. If the tone of this post feels negative, it’s because while yes, I love church (if I don’t really like it, why should I stay in it? No one is asking me to stay…my husband would Support me 100% if I want to leave. I stay for a reason) because my job exposes me to a lot of opinions, a lot of people have access to me and can tell me what they want to say, me personally, with you Many people have very different experiences. I know many of you grew up in LDS churches without any problems. While there are many benefits to my experience, I also have a lot of work to do. I know many of you haven’t come across these judgmental and immature people, but I do every day. I think a lot of people think influencers are exaggerating when we say how bad the information we’re getting is, but I’m telling you, it’s bad. So I’m not going to change the way I talk about my experience just to be hurt because you don’t feel like it’s similar to yours? Feel free to share your experience in the comments.
2. If you feel this article reflects poorly on the church, then I’m sorry, but it’s true for me. It frustrates me that so many people care more about what the church looks like and how they react to it — than they care about hearing the stories of people who have left, are considering leaving, or have questions. Likewise, we preach missionary work, and a big part of that is letting go of our egos and listening to members and their concerns…not just bringing in new people.
3. I am not doing this to “justify” my life choices, so please stop saying that. I’m 31 years old and haven’t worn clothes in years. So what, I spent so much time trying to figure out why? No, I never needed it, and I don’t now. I also didn’t “rehearse my skepticism” at all (to quote her comment citing a conference talk), and I think that particular quote from a conference could be very damaging. Why shouldn’t people express their doubts? I think if you’re going to express doubt, don’t just do it with people who agree, try to have different perspectives as well so you can really seek answers and new perspectives, but I absolutely disagree that people shouldn’t “repeat doubt”. I don’t follow blindly or ask questions and voice concerns just because I’ve been told not to.
4. Please do not disrespect Temple attire – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just one of many religions that wear religious attire, and it is inappropriate to mock or make fun of any attire worn by any religion. I’ve spoken about my stance on them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have incredible respect for people of any religion who wear these garments that are very special and symbolic and powerful to them.
5. Like I said in my first church post, I realize that these issues are not unique to LDS churches at all. I realize these problems exist in the community and in other religions. I can only speak of the religions that I know of, though. This applies to the entire human race.
6. “but clothes represent a commitment to the Lord and people can judge you on your commitment” (quote comment below) let’s say it is…I mean make people less “yours Promise” and can you take it? They are fine with that. So can they still be part of the church and you just let them do that and worry about yourself? Commitment is different for everyone, and many people are comfortable with their level of commitment to the version of God they believe in.
7. “Then why didn’t you leave the church?” (again quoting the comments section) – I know a lot of people are asking this respectfully out of genuine curiosity, so thanks! I don’t have to agree to everything to be a part of something. I can change religions and I still won’t agree with everything. I don’t think my only options are, believe everything, follow everything and stay, or have a problem and leave. We’re going to teach our kids that they can question anything, they can pray and think and read and learn and they’ll find the answers, but there’s a chance they won’t and that’s okay. It’s okay not to know every detail. The goal is to feel the love of God to the best of your ability, to feel like a human being of worth, capable of limitless possibilities, and worthy of every good thing in this world. And show people the same love and see people as worthy and capable, they are so loved in the sight of God.
8. I take absolutely no responsibility for anyone who decides not to wear clothes or go to church or anything after reading this. People reading this are smart and thoughtful people who will read this and make an informed decision for themselves.
9. Finally, we have a really cool community of members around us, with a lot of wonderful, incredible, inspiring people in our church. I feel welcomed, included and loved by so many people. I am grateful to have known so many amazing people who have positively impacted my life.
You all have amazing questions about the church. I perused and wanted to start answering them, but realized as I started typing that my answers to a lot of them were some version of “I don’t know”. There’s a lot I don’t know right now, but I’m honestly pretty cool about it. I’m excited to ask questions that lead to healthy discussions in my family and all of you, and we’re working through this together. No rush at all. Too much time to think about these things and figure them out as they arise. Feeling very peaceful about where we are at the moment. But that being said, I’m reluctant to share too much information because I honestly don’t want these posts to be all about my concerns, but more about the broader cultural changes that really need to change or there will be A lot of people started leaving.
It seems like a lot of us are at this tipping point where we’ve become part of something and really dedicated most if not all of our lives to this religion… when you grow up and really start Doubt that much of the instilled stigma perhaps stems from certain teachings. Of course it comes with a lot of good stuff too…but you can’t help but start wondering how to teach your kids in church without them feeling the same shame. Whether you choose to admit it or not, the shame in the church is so great. The first therapist I went to joked, “She’s never met a Mormon without shame.” So I guess the question for a lot of us is, how can we achieve a dramatic cultural shift within the church? Is it possible? If not then where do you stand? These are all my current problems.
When we moved to NYC, we had the coolest ward (except of course for the anonymous guy in my last post, lol). In one Sunday school class, a guy was teaching a class and he shared his concerns about this topic as part of the class, and shared how he didn’t know how he felt about it and whether he believed it. Everyone talks very openly, and it’s the first time I’ve heard people talking out loud about worry in church, like it’s nothing to be ashamed of. so cool. I want more. so bad. I would very much like people to be real and calm and not feel like we all need to have the strongest testimony and believe everything without a doubt. This is unrealistic. I want more authenticity and less judgment.
Some members are very touchy and defensive when talking about anything to do with the church’s imperfection. I know I’m sure for years. You’ll hear a lot, “you have to separate culture and church” which sounds great on paper, and I’ve heard people tell me that over the years and tried to do it…but it’s impossible to go to church and be part of a community , serve your community, hold conference calls, and “separate the culture”…I mean, when you’re part of the church, you’re actually part of the culture. The lessons you learn from members of that community will have a huge impact on your life. While we seem to be ditching the age-old analogy of equating a girl who has any sex with a boy to a piece of chewed gum, and all those incredibly creepy lessons, we still have a long way to go.
I shared some experiences on social media a while back, but will share it here as well because it illustrates exactly what I’m talking about. I was looking for an herbalist at a time when I was feeling very out of whack. I had bloodwork done to see my low levels and was hoping the herbalist could help me check my results and help me find a good routine to get in and get everything back where it needs to be. I was recommended to a woman by a friend. I showed up to my date in the Aje dress (which is a really cute dress by the way).. when I sat down it came to mid thigh. She sat cross-legged and barefoot on the floor in front of me. I was sitting in her office and towards the end of the date she was looking at me right after my leg and here is our exchange:
Chinese medicine practitioner: “Are you a Mormon?”
Me: “Yes…how come?”
Herbalist: “Are you married?”
I can..”
Chinese medicine practitioner: “I noticed that you are not wearing clothes…”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t wear my clothes”
Herbalist: “But didn’t you get married in the temple? Didn’t you make a covenant with the Lord?”
Me: “Yes, but I decided not to wear it”
Herbalist: “Wow…what a pity…you’d be happier if you wore them”
Me: “I’m actually lucky, I don’t believe I need to wear them to get more blessings”
.. she went on to teach me why clothes are so important to her and why I should wear them. I did the whole “hmmm” thing without even caring about being with someone who couldn’t even possibly want to stop talking and pause her self righteous rant for a moment to ask why I decided not to wear them – or even try to see my point or cause me to do reasons for the decision. If she was willing to see my perspective on the matter and drop the “holier than you” attitude, it could have been an insightful conversation for both of us.
You find this a lot in church, and generally honestly (including myself sometimes!). In polarized conversations about the church, we don’t stop to just hear someone’s point of view. We are immediately on the alert, acting as if any imperfection within the church is a direct reflection of us, and we take it personally. At least I did for so long. We have come to believe that black and white are black and white, that anyone in a gray area is sad, less happy, and in need of missionary work. I think that’s what drives so many people away. For me, this “feeling bad” is because I’m not as religious as you guys are. I would bet any adult who made a conscious decision to leave church or go church their own way did so because doing so actually improved their life. I truly believe that people who are in tune with their spirituality radiate an undeniable vibration and light – but that spirituality doesn’t have to look like yours to be different. Just like parents have to raise each child differently, not every religion will work for everyone – which is why it is so great that there are so many religions and spiritual journeys to choose from.
I think it’s interesting that our church is about family and being Christlike. Sometimes, however, relationships are strained when a family member chooses to leave the church or have a different lifestyle. How can a family that believes in a religion about family and Christ end up choosing that religion over family? I’m just confused about this because if it was imminent, I’d choose to have a good relationship with my kids over anything. *I know this is not the case most*